Why I'm Taking a Weekly Social Media Sabbath.

Two weeks ago Stevie and I attended his 5-year class reunion at HBS. We absolutely LOVED our time living in Boston (I can't believe it's been 5 years since we left!) and we had a mondo blast reuniting with so many dear friends over the course of the weekend. While we were there, we had the pleasure of attending a lecture about parenting in the digital age by Dr. Michael Rich (aka "the mediatrician"), and it was incredibly enlightening. I shared a quick Instagram Story snap about this and so many of you reached out and ask for me to share what I learned. So without further adieu, here are some of my takeaways, since many of you are parents like me, and navigating all the media access can sometimes feel like a minefield.

The Dilemma:

We have all heard some kind of scary statistics about raising our children in the digital age. Every generation of parenting has had it's challenges and opportunities, and this is one of ours. The use of smart phones, iPads, Kindles, computers and TV by both parents and children is at an all-time high - we are the first generation with this unlimited access to media and technology and we use it ALL.DAY.LONG. It's an incredible advantage and gift, but it can also be destructive and debilitating in our parenting game. Have you ever been scrolling on your phone while you push your kid on the swing? Have you ever sat down to a meal with your family and your phone is right there, on the table with you? I don't bring this up to make you feel bad - I'm guilty of all these scenarios! Attending this lecture was incredibly convicting to me and Stevie and we came away from this with a newfound sense of "we need to do better."

Detriments of Parenting in the Digital Age:

• Less sit-down family meals. Because we're all busy, right? But if we DO all sit down together, where are the screens? Is the TV on, is your smart phone nearby or even in your hand?
   
• Increased "babysitting" by handing children a device while parents do other things (cook, clean, get ready, eat, work, etc.)
   
• Increased teen access to "the dark side" of the web, including pornography and cyber-bullying. 42% of 10-17 year-olds have ended up on porn sites and 42% of 4th-8th graders have been victims of cyber-bullying.
   
• Heavy users of media showed (heavy users > 16 hours per day, light users < 3 hours per day), showed an increase in poor grades, getting into more trouble and low personal contentment.
   
• Increase in media-related disorders, including procrastination, apathy, disconnect with others.

What We Can Do:

Some of these stats and information can feel really heavy. But there is hope! As we tweak our approach to media access for ourselves and with our kids, it can actually be an awesome tool for everyone. Here are a few of tactics to consider:

1. Consider taking a Smart Phone Sabbath.
This is my favorite because we can do this now! You can do this once a week or for a set period of time every day. I know lots of people who incorporate a "phone break" into their schedule everyday. I've been doing my best to put my phone away during meal times, at night after the kids go to bed and also staying off social media entirely on Sundays. I will still use my phone here and there on Sundays, but I only use it for that purpose - a phone! Usually to call my mom because my kids adore her. But taking this break from media has been super refreshing and doesn't feel like punishment! I am appreciative for this boundary of discipline for myself and I highly recommend it for anyone.

2. Bring back boredom!
The best ideas come when our minds can empty out and wander a bit. I have found this in my own self - if I am constantly filling the voids in my day by scrolling on social media, I can end up feeling fried and mindless at the end of the day. And this is true for kids, too! Instead of allowing excessive TV, video games, and other screen time to fill their breaks in the day, letting them get bored can actually be good for them! And yes, they will whine and cry a bit, but who else remembers being bored as a kid? A little bit of boredom is good for them and doesn't make us bad parents!

3. Use Media WITH your kids.
This was one of the strongest recommendations that Dr. Rich shared. He stressed the importance of engaging with your children while they use media, and making sure it's not a solitary experience. If your child loves a video game, play it with them! If they have a certain show that they love, snuggle up on the couch and watch it together. It's important to form these bonds and show them you value what they value. This also gives us as parents the opportunity to teach them boundaries with that particular media and ask them questions about what they learned.

4. Have a sit-down meal with your family every single day. WITHOUT DEVICES.
This was another recommendation that was convicting. With Stevie's work commute and travel schedule, during the week it's nearly impossible for all of us to have a sit-down family meal together. On the weekends our little family is inseparable but the weekly schedule is tough. But since we've made it more of a priority, we are starting to have them a few times a week during the week days, which is a huge deal and I'm already seeing the positive impact on my boys, which makes me so very happy.

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I didn't come away from this lecture feeling badly about how much my kids use media. I actually felt a personal conviction of how much they must see me using media, and therefore will probably continue to place value on it because I do. And gosh, that's such a heavy responsibility. I just want to do the right things by my kids and it first starts with me. So I am working on incorporating some of these tactics and I hope they are helpful to you as you navigate this journey for your family, as well!

This is an enormous subject matter and I am merely sharing the briefest of takeaways from this lecture. Thankfully, Dr. Michael Rich has an entire site dedicated to "Ask the Mediatrician", with tons of resources, articles and even an opportunity to ask him specific questions about parenting in the digital age.

Tell me, do you feel like you could take a social media sabbath or digital sabbath? What would that look like for you? I'm interested in hearing from you, friends! xx

Shifting Priorities.

I overheard a conversation last week.

Someone I know asked someone else that I know, "What people group do you feel most called to?"

It was a good question - they were discussing various cultures and the world at large - and discussing how their role in the world could make a difference in the need expressed in other countries. I wasn't being asked, and I was more of a fly on the wall during this conversation, but the question has been beating in my heart ever since I heard it asked.

What people group do I feel called to?

It was a very simple answer for me. Maybe too simple?

I feel called to my family.

I know it sounds kind of phony and lame, but it's the absolute "yes" in my heart. This is my people group. These are my people. I made them, and I am continuing to invest all my time into caring for them. Everyday, I am feeding, nurturing, encouraging, reprimanding, challenging, changing and re-feeding these sweet (though I'll admit - exhausting) people. The little boys that are asleep across the hallway are counting on me, depending on me every day to raise them out of their beds and do everything to help them along in the world.

Sometimes it's weighty, when I really think about how much they need me. They need me to be on my A-game. They need all of me, not just the leftovers. They need me at my best, at my most engaged, at my most calm and brimming with love and satisfaction for who they are.

So while I love the world and I dream of making a difference in it, my sphere of influence has drastically changed in the past few years. I used to dream of making a difference through the arts - music and movies and creative content. I wanted to be an actress and tell stories to encourage people, to let them know they are loved and lovely and worthy. And it's not that those dreams and desires have disappeared, but they have shifted out of their day-to-day significance in my life. These days I play trucks with my boys instead of playing dress up in auditions and on sets.

I love that I have this opportunity to parent, because I know the years of having young children are short and fleeting (even though the days feel looong when there are too many tears and not enough cups of coffee). I don't want to miss the moments. And I don't want my boys to miss out on me, if I am heavily distracted with some other thing.

I don't want them to remember their mom scrolling through her phone while they tried talking to her.

This question of calling has been bugging me, and yet, igniting me.

I've been thinking of starting a small business. I've been thinking about ways to grow this blog. I've been sitting on a book idea for a few years and I want to grow my freelance writing business and I also want to start creating some video content for this blog. The dreams and brainstorming are endless over here, but - my time is occupied. I am wiping noses and teaching lessons about cleaning up toys and figuring out ways to prepare healthy meals my son will actually eat.

Quite simply, I don't have time for anything or anyone else.

Please tell me, friends, that I am not alone in this.

The margins in my world are currently minimal, and outside of caring for my family, I am lucky if I get to meet up with a girlfriend once a month or read a book at night before bedtime once a week. I schedule time for everything outside of my boys (when I say "boys", that husband of mine is included in this club we call family :) ) - my workouts, my meal prep, my social time, and even time that I work on this blog - it is all scheduled and planned ahead for, because otherwise, there is no way it will happen.

Intention + bits of rest + lots of coffee + saying "no" a lot = the only way to do this thing called motherhood.

I don't know how other women do this thing. Being a mom is hard, and being a mom with a side hustle takes some serious discipline and support. I can't even begin to fathom how my friends who work full-time and parent do it all - I am simply amazed at how incredible women are.

From what I gather it's a juggling act for most everyone I know. A constant balancing of where to put all the energy, attention and emotion required.

The priorities have shifted around over the past few years, and in the wake of Daxton's arrival, I am more aware than ever of how full my hands are. Full of dirty laundry and preschool art (and half-eaten mac'n'cheese that I just had to put the cauliflower in and that my toddler totally tasted and has therefore now rejected.)

I feel like I am in it right now. In the deep, deep throws of this vocation of modern motherhood. I love it, I am exhausted, I am hungry to do more outside of mothering, and yet I am so aware that I can't do more without sacrificing more.

So while my friend answered my other friend's question with an eloquent and studied answer about the tribe of people she feels most drawn to, I am left with a yes in my heart to the current season I am in. Motherhood - the good, the challenging, the humbling, sometimes infuriating, sometimes stripping of all prestige, most times tiring and almost always requiring prayers and caffeine and encouragement - this thing is no joke. But it hasn't dominated me - I choose to love my moment of shrinking margin and paused extracurricular endeavors. I choose to shift my priorities so that I can give the best of myself to my mighty little men. They might be small right now, but their character is being forged this mine of childhood adventure. I am partnering with them to become people of great heart in a world of shrinking moral values and vapid strut.

I am changing the world, it just looks different than I ever thought it would. Instead of telling other people's stories through the creative arts, I am telling my story through my time spent with my family.

I share this with you to connect, relate, and extinguish any lingering guilt. As women, mothers, people who will someday be parents and people who want to make a difference in the world, we shouldn't be so hard at ourselves for seasons of shifting priorities. It doesn't mean that goals go unmet and dreams are dashed - our sacrifice is beautiful, meaningful, and lasting. And if you're in the business of wiping bums and kissing boo-boos, I applaud you for the people group that you choose to invest in. They are worthy, so so worthy of the effort it takes to grow and nurture. And you, my friend, are an absolute gem. Although, you probably deserve a Starbucks and a solo stroll around Target with a giftcard to spend. No, not on your son's friend's birthday gift, but on YOU.

My thoughts can really ramble, can't they? Talk to me in the comments, friends. Do any of you feel me on this one? xoxox

Everett's Baby Dedication.

Everett's Baby Dedication.

Hi Friends! Last weekend we celebrated our sweet Everett boy by dedicating him to the Lord in front of our church family and friends. It was such a sweet service, and I'm actually surprised at how very much it meant to me. I guess I am a sappy person. Surprise. Stevie & I took a bit of time to discuss what a baby dedication meant to us, and we felt compelled to really celebrate this occasion. And by celebrate, I mean buy Everett a rad new outfit to wear (more on this later!) and host a party after the service. Too much? What is too much? I tend to go overboard, so I probably need some more accountability in my life.

We were excited to stand in front of our loved ones and vow to raise Everett in a home that honors the love and life exemplified by Christ Jesus. Ultimately, it's Everett's choice in his life to select and follow his compass of faith, but it is our responsibility to follow our convictions and "raise a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). To me, it is much like a vow you make on your wedding day, in front of all your friends and family. Making a commitment to another person, seeking the support and accountability from your loved ones to hold you to your word; heavy stuff. But also extraordinary and exciting and suuuuuuper special.

Our church does a really great job of honoring the families by making a fun little film about each babe. Try to tune out the annoying fact that I practically beat Stevie over the head every time he tries to speak. Ugh sometimes I can just be the worst. I need discipline. But many thanks to Daniel Turner and Bethel Atlanta for making this clip!

Hale Baby Dedication from Kristen Hale on Vimeo

Check back tomorrow for more details on Everett's dedication threads and a sweet giveaway!

Motherhood: Ending the Judgements, Competition & Shame.

Motherhood: Ending the Judgements, Competition & Shame.

I started to notice it when I was pregnant. The questions, "Where are you delivering?", "What kind of birth are you having?", and my extra-special favorite, "Where are you going to live? You're moving??! Why?" or even better, "You're moving in with your PARENTS? Seriously... why???" There just seemed to be so much speculation about my (and my husband's) personal choices. Everyone had an opinion. Friends, family, nice people, not-so-nice-people, old men on the street, other moms. Everyone had a very specific opinion and reasons backing up why they were right. Often accompanied by their harrowing personal stories that I didn't really care to hear. Long, drawn-out tales about why their idea/opinion/input really should be heavily considered. And followed blindly. Over whatever rubbish I was choosing to do.

It was a little jarring.

Little did I know, that was just the prep course for entering motherhood.

Motherhood is tricky business. No one really told me. Haaaa, that's not true. Pretty much everyone told me. I just didn't really understand how NOT JOKING serious this business would be. It is, by FAR, the hardest thing I have ever done. And no, I don't just mean the pushing-the-baby-out part (although that was no breakfast at Tiffany's.) Being a mom. I mean, wow. It's hard. I shall leave it at that. At least for today.

One really interesting fringe non-benefit of motherhood is the continuation of what I experienced during my pregnancy: the speculation of my choices. I am certainly not the only mother to experience this uncomfortable, obvious, verbal or non-verbal, passing-of-judgement by others. And I'll be honest, I have totally done it, too. Judged other people's choices.

Other moms' choices.

Yeah, I suck. But the thing is, we all have opinions and reasons for why we do what we do. But now I'm experiencing first hand how awkward and insecure it has made me feel, all while fumbling around, attempting to be the best mom I can be. I am obviously making mistakes left and right. But you know what? I love my son. And most every mom I know... they love their adorable little mini-me's, too. So why are we so hard on each other when the end goal is pretty much the same? To raise lovely, fiercely-loved little rock star babies. Or something like that.

I look around me, and there are debates about which is best when it comes to... pretty much every parenting subject.

Breastfeeding or formula-feeding?

Stay at home mom or working-outside-the-home mom?

Vaccinating or not vaccinating? Delaying? Running away scared from the pediatricians office?

Letting your baby cry it out or coming to their rescue at every whimper?

Co-sleeping or baby in the crib at two weeks?

Cloth diapers or disposables?

Daycare, nursery, nanny, grandmother, babysitter, random neighbor you've met twice... who will watch your child when you aren't with them?

When are you leaving said child with another person? Wait, you haven't done that yet?? Tsk tsk.

I could go on and on. But the dilemma is constant. These choices are really, really difficult to make. Have you ever heard of mompetition? I hadn't. But the sudden thrust into this experience has my head spinning - how can I gracefully transition into motherhood without feeling the slime of this maternal warfare? I'm sure the mommy wars don't end. I anticipate the lame debates to come: Public school or private school? Or home school? TV and video games or books and playing outside? Ugh I'll stop listing here. Because you get the picture.

The judgements, comparisons and unnecessary opinions must end. And I know that it starts with me. I have to stop believing that everyone is judging me and I have to STOP comparing myself and judging others. Reading this article made me laugh, and also really helped. Because after experiencing a mere 11 weeks of motherhood, I am dumbfounded at how spectacularly impressive mothers are. And you know what? New moms are trying to parent their child while juggling a conga line of colorful hormones, the shame of carrying stubborn "baby weight" that just won't seem to get lost, a smattering of emotions and anxiety and for some, even depression. These women don't need to hear opinions or feel silent judgement. They need affirmation and love, because they are spending endless days giving all of that love away to someone else.

You know what every mom needs to hear?

You're a good mom.

You're doing an awesome job.

Way to go, sustaining that little human's life.

I speak from the position of being a brand-spankin'-new mom, but I imagine that the future me would still need and want to hear those things. Because what we're doing is hard work. And the judgements, the comparisons... well, they are fruitless. They make zero difference. I am going to keep on parenting the way that feels natural for me and my family. And when I want advice and help, I already have my go-to people who I trust will set me straight. And that random mama that I don't know all that well isn't relying on my opinion of her, either. She's got enough on her mind, she doesn't need to deal with the social anxiety of my judgement passing before her. She needs me to love her and tell her she's doing an awesome job. That her instincts are amazing. And that her child is mega-blessed to have her looking out for them.

So I ask that you join me. Let's end this cycle of mom angst and celebrate the sisterhood we've entered into. Whether you're a new mom, a wondrously wizened mom, a single lady, or someone who detests the thought of ever producing spawn, your camaraderie makes a spectacular impact. When you have a judgmental thought about someone else, stop yourself. Take that judgement and slam dunk it into the little trash can inside your mind. And when you feel shamed by someone else for a choice you've made, remind yourself that she's probably just feeling motivated by that lousy mompetition. Instead of getting offended, immediately forgive her. Release her from your offense. Because you don't have the time or capacity to deal with the that odious frustration. Let's trade the practice of passing judgement on others' choices and start celebrating the sisterhood of motherhood. Because we need each other's affirmation.

To all you glorious, hardworking, endlessly loving mamas, I just want to tell you that YOU ROCK and you're doing a tremendous, sublime, stunning job. I salute you. Now hand that baby over to your man and go get a manicure. You've more than earned it.